Calm Down

When I calm down,
I don't just breathe, I smell.
When I calm down,
I don't just see, I observe.
When I calm down,
I don't just hear, I listen.
When I calm down,
I stop fighting, I allow.

Allow God to be God.
Allow the sinner to be the sinner.
Allow anger to be angry.
Allow sadness to be sad.
Allow joy to be joyful.
Allow excitement to be excited.
God, help us all.

What the Hell am I Doing?

Filling up these applications is making me wonder why I am doing what I'm doing.
Why pursue this?
It's such an expensive career without instant gratification.
Why pursue it? How did I get here? Do I have what it takes--the amount of courage and determination to never believe in what is impossible? The strength to pull myself together?

3 down! 2 more to go.

Wish me luck!

Grad School

Kicking myself in the as for not starting my grad school apps sooner!!!
AHHHHHH...


Time to lock myself up and be even more anti social than I have already been this last month.

Recording Down!

Dearest AVA and Curtis,
Let me in! I promise I will not waste your time. You will not regret investing in me.

Much love,
Evelyn

No Drinking for Singers

There's a reason why singers are not encouraged to drink.
I learned it tonight.
Too much unstable emotions and lack of attention of the task at hand.

And alcohol dries you out so quick, you're too dehydrated to notice.

Unless if you have a huge tolerance, and vocal chords are made of steel...
Alcohol=BAD BAD BAD for singers.

Yet another rule to live by.

Oh, to be a singer...

Love Your Story

Never settle no matter how hard it gets. Never settle no matter how easy it may be.

You have your life. You've been granted a chance to live. You have survived, so do something!

We are not here to know everything, we are here to learn everything. Don't limit yourself.

Rejected by God

I don't like to get too spiritual in my posts and I'm really not efficient in theology. But once in a while--when life gets a lil' tough, God shows me a lot of grace. So much of it I just have to share it on this blog.

Recently, I read about Saul in the Book of Truth. I Samuel, Chapter 15 is entitled The Lord rejects Saul. My first reaction: Ou, REJECTED! Second reaction: by God? Oh man, that would really suck!

It's already bad enough to be rejected by humans. Can you imagine what it's like to be rejected by God?

Your Creator rejects you.

Being rejected by God is completely different than what it's like to be rejected by a stupid boy from high school or the parents of my students or the judges from that singing competition.

When you're rejected by people, it's easy to just brush it off or blame it on their incompetence. They don't know you, they have their own agendas in mind, they don't really care to know you, they are just being mean...etc.

When you're rejected by the One who has breathed life into you, the One who knows you, the One who gave you your talents...You cannot brush Him off.

It is like watching an inventor setting his invention aside in the dusty "not-working-well-stuff" corner.

Think about what God goes through. I am made in the likeness of Him. When He rejects me, He is rejecting Himself. What a big blow on His...oh I don't know, pride? So, why does He go so far out to reject us just to hurt His own pride? Dare I go a step further by asking why did He even bother to create us?

He knows me, I am His agenda in mind, and He really cares to know me...If someone is incompetent in this relationship it would be me.

How much has He suffered because of me? The times when I worried more about being rejected by people than being rejected by my God.

After reading about Gods rejection, His acceptance has never tasted so sweet,so refreshing...so powerful!

He WANTS to accept us. He admires us the way we are created. We have the free pass to receive Gods acceptance everyday. Unfortunately, all of us fall short of His glory. But fortunately, we have all been given a chance to choose--to choose if we want to work really well, or just kinda well, or not well at all.

What a God He is.

Morning Run

It's official, I love morning runs!
Perfect temperature, not crowded, no cranky drivers...it's great.
Add my forever boyfriend aka my husband into the mix, I'm in for a great run.

Ah...it's going to be a great day!

Happy Wednesday, everybody!

Trusting

..that it will all work out in the end.
Nothing makes sense at this point, but I just have to keep doing what I am doing.

Small Goals: Work hard and save money for Audio and Video Recording/ Competitions/ Applications
Big Goal: Get the hell out of Minnesota and get more training.
Bigger than Big Goal: Learn to glorify the Creator of my gifts



Do...do..do!!

Where do I come from?

It's been a while since I've been "home".
Just recently, I made a quick visit to the Malaysian Consulate.
I NEEDED to renew my passport. (Boring task, but utterly important and expensive)
Being in that little piece of Malaysian soil, I somehow got in touch with the Malaysian in me.
I had no idea how Americanized I have become.
A foreigner in my own country. What a thought...
While I was there, I forced myself to read the Malaysian magazines that laid on the table next to me.
They were the toughest articles I have read in a long time. Not because they were difficult literature, but because they were written in a foreign language--Malay.
The lady who sat opposite to me made an effort to talk to me.
Not because I was a fellow Malaysian neighbor, but because I looked lost.
She spoke to me in English. I tried to continue the conversation in very broken Chinese but she insisted to continue in English.
A foreigner in my own land...
9 years ago, I had a long conversation with my ex-boyfriend nights before THE move. I remember how mortified I was by the thought that I would be AMERICANIZED. We laughed about how I would return to Malaysia with an American accent. We entertained ourselves with the thought that we would not see each other for ten years. "NO! That's impossible! Ten years' a long time!"
Hah, how we laughed.
Last Tuesday I felt Malaysian, and very quickly I became that foreigner among Malaysians.

Where did I come from?

I come from a land far away,
found my way to the land of dreams.
This way I did not choose
Never did I pursue.
And yet, here am I.
In awe of what I have become.
To my surprise
I have slid into a different skin
Where did I
where DO I come from?
Is it such an important question afterall?

My home is where my heart is.
I come from where my heart belongs.

This is my song, oh God of all the nations,
a song of peace for lands afar and mine.
This is my home, the country where my heart is;
here are my hopes, my dreams, my holy shrine;
but other hearts in other lands are beating
with hopes and dreams as true and high as mine

We sang this in church today
and I choked up..

Her Every Tone is Musics Own

It's my birthday today. Last night, Alec decided to surprise me with flowers and a Ginger Crystallized in Dark Chocolate bar after work.
Little did he know there was a love poem inside...It's quite beautiful. I would love to type it all in here but I'll save some sappiness and get to the best part.

Her every tone is music's own.
-Edward Pinkney

I love that.

It's a laid back birthday this year. A cup of coffee on a beautiful 72 degree morning. Baking a birthday pie. Then off I go to a delicious Malaysian dinner with the in laws and my sweet sweet sister.

To top it off, I found this beautiful clip of Pavarotti singing. Enjoy!

On My Love

If there is a song that describes my love,
It would have no words.
Just a melody.
Every part of me hears it and cries.
Simple but complete.
He touches me.
He is my love.

Positive Toughts

The need and urgency of positive thinking for one who was born a pessimist is utterly important.
I am an awfully negative person. Always self sabotaging. As Audrey describes this syndrome--I am the first in line to throw tomatoes at myself.

I never once think that I am good enough. I find it ridiculous that one can ever think in such perfect and satisfying ways of herself.

Having positive thoughts about myself has been the toughest challenge as an artist. I think all artists who sincerely care for their art will agree with me. You spend all night dreaming, practicing, and living in your art. You can't help but to want to make it the best out there. Yes, we are all perfectionists.

Somewhere along the line, you must acknowledge the hardwork you've invested in your art. You must realize that you are not perfect and not everyone will love what you do after all. And it's alright...

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. So am I. I am entitled to my own opinions.

The fact is, in my life, my opinions matter the most. I write my own script.

So why let negative things in life bog me down? They don't matter if I don't believe in them.

I believe in creating art to make this world a better place. I believe I can be the best out there. I believe I was born to do this. I believe that opera is worth saving. I believe in making the best out of my talents.

What I believe matters the most.

The more I learn to do this, the bigger my world becomes. I know so little. Ironically, I find that comforting. It is good to learn that you will never stop learning.

There is no limit to life.

It's Over

I'm so sad that it's over.
Opera Workshop. I was having such a blast.
Kind of reminds me of how it feels like at the end of vacations.

It was so nice to find myself in my music during those workshop weeks.
I looked forward to Tuesday and Thursday every week.
We were having so much fun we didn't want it to end.

And now, it's all over. I don't know what to do with my Tuesday and Thursday evenings.
Well, I do but it's no fun.

Work. Work. Work.

Endless work. When can I begin to have a fun singing career?

Opera Workshop Final Night

Time: 6:30PM-8:30PM
Date: 7/28/2011
Location: 711 West Lake Street, Suite 214, Minneapolis

Short notice but please do come!

You will hear and see great work in progress at 711 tonight!

Choirs Gone Wrong

Nothing I hate more than listening to adult choirs singing like the Vienna Boys Choir.

Nothing I despise more than choir directors forcing their choirs to sing without vibrato.

It just doesn't work.

No vibrato=
No passion
Not genuine
Not natural
Painful to sing
Painful to hear

Unfortunately, 99% of our adult choirs these days are expected to sing like innocent lil' angels that have yet gone through puberty.

Our world is in denial of what is natural.

On the side note, there's a fruit fly buzzing around me and I just can't catch that lil' pest!

Annoyed.

Never Fold Too Soon

Audition later this afternoon.

My mantra today is "Do not fold too soon". Whatever happens, sing joyfully. Don't judge the situation till it happens. Nothing worse than worrying over milk that has not been spilled.

New background. Like it?
I was getting bored with the previous template, so I decided to try something new.

Sinatra on a Sunday afternoon

Watching Sinatra at Carnegie Hall. What a treat!
Is it wrong that I feel like a glass of wine on a beautiful Sunday afternoon with Sinatra in the background?

...No, it is not wrong at all.

I'll fly with you, Mr. Sinatra!

My moment

I had an "Oh, there she goes again" moment today.

During my voice lesson, a wonderful tenor who also studies with Audrey sat in for my lesson to help me out with my French.
I am working on the hardest piece EVER.
The Doll Song.
Uhmm...yes, THE Doll Song. It is the Mount Everest for most coloratura sopranos.
To me, singing this piece is like climbing Mount Everest without knowing what a mountain is. I feel like I have just been hiking on hills these last few years.
And somehow began climbing my way up...a MOUNT!

Anyways, this wonderful tenor is fluent in French and God knows I have some work cut out for him. We were chipping away through my pronunciation errors.
Wood shedding here.
Wood shedding there.
It was then that I realize...uh-oh, Evelyn is having her control freak out attack!

If you don't know what that means or feels like, allow me to explain.
Control freak out attack is when you are trying to control and hold on to every single error you can find about anything and everything. But for some reason, you're not able to control anything and everything. On top of that, the errors somehow become worse everytime you try to correct them.
And then, everything becomes tense and you begin sloping down. It's like running up a descending escalator. Some people recognize it as a "stuck" motion or getting cornered in your own home.

Knowing that I was beginning to slide down or fall off the wagon or whatever, I decided to keep my head up. There was no slope and I was secure on that wagon or whatever. (Yay, positive thinking!)

Everything became effortless once more. The sun was out, and beauty was in the air.

And then, I couldn't help it. Because having Evelyns pity party moment is more familiar, easier, less mental work.

And I immediately rolled back down and fell hard on my ass...my computer did not crash, it exploded.

At this point, you might like to stop reading this entry and conclude that I am just a crazy artist--Doomed for life.

There is a slight chance you're right. But if I may, I'd like to suggest that today was a successful day. I did more right than wrong. Normally, I'd just do a horrible job in everything purposefully and give up on myself during days like this. You mind as well feed me to the lions or push me off a cliff.

But I didn't allow that. I had more than 1 successful moment today despite my negativity.
I somehow was able to talk myself into having fun. It was hard work and it took longer than I would have liked to get there. And I left fun a little too soon. But I did get there.

All I need to do now is to do the same thing a few more times for the rest of my life. I'm sure it'll eventually become easier. :)



Patience and kindness is key. Success awaits...

Our Björling

I woke up needing some sort of inspiration.
(Some days are just tougher than others)

Got out of bed and went directly to my computer.
I needed to hear something.
Something good.
Something sincere.
Something that can offer me a sense of security.
Something to shut out the negative drill that was running through my head.

Youtube.
THANK GOD for Youtube!

It brought me to links of Björling recordings.

How blessed are we to have such a voice that once lived on earth?
And to have the opportunity to hear him within one click?
My goodness...

All I can say is thank you Mr. Jussi Björling for all that you have done for music.
You have made it possible for us to hear, smell, see, and feel the way you do through your singing.

"The Lord will be with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged."

Singing makes me HAPPIEEE

Audrey Stottler's Opera Workshops are the bestEST thing that has happened to me since the golden age of Opera recordings.

It's our first week of summer workshop and let me tell you, it has just been the highlight of my year.

I leave wanting to sing more than ever. Isn't that AWESOME?

I want it...!
I want more!
Gimme, gimme, gimme!

It feels so good to be back singing again. 10 days is waay too long of a break.

Self-Reminder: Never go on a vacation without singing. EVER AGAIN.

Why not?

So many days have I just sat at home. Wondering and worrying over what steps I must take.

I repeatedly conclude those questions with...
" I don't know. "
And frustratedly bit my nails till the end of those day.

Why do I not know?
Well, because I have not done enough. I have not done anything.
What I do have is lack of courage.
And the ability to blame others.
Because I have just been depending on the vehicles around me to drop me off at places and pick me up whenever I needed them to.
I have done nothing to find out what I must do and want to do for myself.

My husband and I have come to realize that we must go for it.

Why not?
What's stopping us but ourselves.

It is such an energetic phrase, isn't it?

Why not?

The excitement that comes with it.

The only way to answer that question is to go out into the unknown.
Is it not our lives to live?
And our adventures to fulfill?
We were born into this world not knowing...
in order for us to have a reason to live--to know.
So why have I just been sitting here-
not really happy about not knowing..
not content...
dissatisfied...?

So, why not change that?

Right?

I have the passion, I have the training, I have some knowledge.

Why not?

:)

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end...

Everything happens for a reason. Only God knows...

A chance of shower?

Not much to say but God is good.
Inside, I have so much that I should be freaking out about.
But I somehow am still able to keep it cool.

Fuhh...

Must be thankful for all that I have.
Must be thankful for this life that I live.

It's dark out. Might be a rainy night today.
Pull out your umbrellas...or not.
It's sometimes nice to get yourself drenched in the rain.

Refreshing.

One Step at a Time

I called Ma yesterday to wish her a very happy birthday.
She was so sweet. A conversation that should have been all about her became a conversation all about me and my stress load.

So much to do in such little time. So many decisions need to be made. So many options to think about.

Patiently, she listened. After I was done rambling, she said,

"One step at a time".

Not everything needs to be solved right now.

One step at a time.

God is in control.

One step at a time.

There is no need to fear.
Wipe away your tears.

One step at a time.

You are doing really well.

One step at a time.

Don't forget your priorities.

One step at a time.

Find your courage. Be on guard.

One step at a time...

It's all just a part of life.
Life's simply life.
Don't make it bigger or smaller than what it is.
Live it, smell it, touch it
know what it is.

One step at a time.

My steps may be small,
But I can conquer it all! =)

Doing the Right Thing

I am so tired, so exhausted.
I'm just trying to be right this entire time.
And what do I find in all of this...?
wrongs everywhere...!

Everywhere, I see brokenness in me.
Everywhere I reach, I find emptiness.

It's cost is priceless.
but yet, it demands every bit of me.
A piece of you.
A piece of him.
A piece of her.

Being right is like running yourself into a giant wall,
continuously.
Each time you hit the wall,
you feel the need to explain why you did so.
Sometimes, you even yell at the wall
for being a wall.

Soon enough, you'll realize...
"Right" was painful.
"Right" was sacrificial.
"Right" was stressful.
"Right" was tiresome.
"Right" was distracting.
"Right" was such a big waste of time.
There is no end to being right.
"Right" was so wrong.

I desperately reach out
for the shattered pieces.
Trying to make sense.
Too much noise.
Too many lies..
I can hardly concentrate.

I reached within myself.
Seeking the Truth.
There He is.

Finally, a place of quietness.
Sometimes, the "right" seems as if it is the most "wrong" thing to do.
And your biggest mistake, your biggest regret seemed so right at that time.

Our world is broken.

Truth is the treasure we must all learn to conserve.

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.
~Tad Williams

Truth speaks louder than words.

You don't need to explain Truth.

There is no fear in Truth.

Truth is just is.

I seek the Truth.

Mark Twain once said,
I can lie, but I won't.

Now I will say,
I can't lie, so I won't.

Loving the Weather

Update on the man-boy: He has not forgiven me quite yet. In fact, he's decided to ignore me, which is just fine with me.

Despite negative people, there's so much to be grateful for in life. This week, I've decided to go about life differently. My goal was to consciously push aside all that is negative and only welcome all that is positive.

There had been so much to life that I've missed out for being a pessimistic person. I have rejected many opportunities to live life to the fullest because I have feared and worried about the many bad things that could possibly happen to me.

I constantly test everything and everyone that is positive. My husband, my family, my best friends, my mentors, and myself. I test my own instincts. HAH! What kind of fool am I?

Many moments have been wasted because of this.

And now, I am making a conscious decision to change.

I'm making this decision because I want to. I want so badly to enjoy every moment in my life. There's enough horror to life, it is a waste to make it worse than it already is.

Just an hour ago, I looked out my window and spot a homeless man digging through the trash bins down the alley. It made me sad.
I caught myself seeing through the negative lens which I then consciously told myself not to.
When I looked at the homeless man again, he looked happy with the things he found. There were actually a few findings that looked decent. Good for him!

Dear Homeless Man,
I am so glad you are doing something with your life. People may pity you at first look. But really, there's nothing to pity about. As I watched you digging through trash, you were having fun and you seemed to cherish more things in life in comparison to many others. May God bless you in your journey and may you continue to only do and find things that make life fulfilling and worth living for.

If You Would Just Stop Bitching

Yesterday, I had a rough start at work. I walked into work at 5:30PM and right away I had to start seating customers.
There were two that came in who really wanted a booth. I looked at the seating chart and said "Yes, looks like we have a booth available." I sat them only to realize that the server for that section was still taking his time eating his dinner.

So I asked another server--"the bitch" if he could serve that booth.
He looked at me and said "NO" to my face.
"Are you serious?"
"Yea, I don't want to take a table that's been sitting there for 10 minutes without a server. They're not gonna tip me!"
"They've only been there for 5, and your section's the closest one to the booth"
"NO!"
Dumb man-boy.
Luckily, we had a sane and mature lady server who was willing to take that booth.
I thanked her and was about to walk out the kitchen.
And then something held me back.
Something called...
the need to call out on an asshole when he's being an asshole.

I walked back into the kitchen and said
"Man-boy, stop being a bitch."

He did not forgive me for the rest of the night. In fact, he insisted in calling himself a bitch and acting like one to me and everyone else who were on my side until he left the restaurant.

Everything that we did last night seemed to be attacking him.

Everything we said, he took it personally as a form of insult.

If you would just stop bitching, the world would probably start working out for you.
If you would stop blaming others for your misfortunes, you'd probably find a partner who'd love and respect you.
If you would just stop whining, you'd probably start doing greater things in life.

If you'd just stop bitching...

But you won't. Until you choose to grow up, man-boy!


Lessons and morals of the story:
1)It is so good to stand up for myself.
2)If you don't mind being a bitch to others, you should not mind when others are being bitches to you.
3)Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Thus Begins My Journey to Coloratura-hood

After so many blog entries, you'd think I would have learned my lesson NOT to enter a title before my post. Many posts didn't make it because some did not match the title, and some I lost interest in blogging about.
But that's me--I conclude quickly. Not an ounce of patience. Very stubborn and always convinced that my conclusions are right and true.
This title is and will be what I shall blog about today.
It takes a while to redirect my opinions, and many challenges and arguments to change my mind about a certain many things.
5 years ago, if you were to tell me that I'd be sitting by my piano someday, working through coloratura passages of roles like Zerbinetta, Adele, Juliette, Oscar, etc.. I would have said to you,
"You're shitting me"
I would have also offensively cried out that
"I have a dark voice, and a passion for the dark dramatic lyric soprano rep. I am not some dumb coloratura silly calculative soprano. I can barely reach high A."...

5 years later, here I am...reaching F's above high C. Crouching over my piano...Somewhat very angrily, somewhat happily, somewhat tearfully, somewhat cheerfully, somewhat very fearfully, somewhat very uncertainly working on Zerbinetta's aria, Juliette's Je veux vivre, Adele's Mein herr Marquis, and Oscar's Volta la terre...

Despite all of these drama, I found out that the process isn't half as bad.
I have a huge infatuation for the lyric soprano melodies, but my voice is not happy in it. The voice despised me for titling it "lyric soprano" and rebelled. It became angry and I became angry too. We were just not getting along...
Now, I'm finally listening to what my voice needs. It doesn't want to be ignored. The voice wants to be used to it's fullest capacity. And who knows? I may find more in common with coloratura characters than I think.

Titles change all the time.

I'm not gonna lie about how afraid I am...(I am kinda a wuss to begin with).
But there's a reason why people say
"If the shoe fits, wear it."

Thus begins my walk in my coloratura heels.

Friends

It's snowing again. Why Minnesota? Why? It's March! It is time for Spring. Let us have some fun in the sun...

But alas, I am and have been in Minnesota for 8 years. Complaining about snow here is like complaining about needing to go to the bathroom after chugging down 6 glasses of water in one sitting.

Despite the snow, I actually had a wonder-filled Sunday. This afternoon, I had the chance to sing with 11 very talented young singers in an opera workshop. And then, I sang in a rehearsal for a benefit concert next Sunday. And then, I went out for dinner with two wonderful sopranos who also happen to be two of my most beloved girl friends.

Dinner turned into a 4 hours conversation. Somewhere in between all of those important and not so important conversation topics, it became clear to me how fortunate I am to have these two good and trustworthy friends. Friends that you can share everything with. Friends that you can count on. Friends that will love you no matter what.

You see, I've always had a hard time cherishing friendships growing up. I've always been a very strong willed, jealous, competitive, sensitive, self conscious, opinionated or judgmental, stubborn and out there personality. And let's not forget to include the artists temperament on top of that whole she-bang. YES, it's been very difficult for me to cultivate and develop a genuine friendship ever since I can remember.

Not till recently, I'd never known how liberating it can be to have a real friend. To completely trust the person on the other side of the line. To laugh, cry, hug, joke and giggle, to protect and be protected, to comfort and be comforted, to show your ugly-ful as well as your beauty-ful side...The phrase "I got you're back" actually means "I will be here to catch you when you fall no matter what."

Then I thought, "Wow, it took 2 decades of my life to finally find a friend."
It really isn't that surprising after all. Life is currently taking a turn.
I am just beginning to let my hair down and learn not to micromanage all parts of my life.
Can it be that I've been micro managing my relationships this entire time?

I have not loved life for what it is.
I have not loved people for who they are.
I have not loved my friends.
I have not loved myself.

So much to learn and a lot more life to live.
I'm just lucky to have friends who have decided to love me way before I did.
Thank you, friends. Yeah, you! Thank you...

Audition Tomorrow

Perfection is...unattainable.
At this point, all I can do is to sing for my own happiness.

Sing because I love music.

Nails are done.
Sang with my heels on.
I have an idea of how I want my hair to be.
I know what outfit I'll be wearing.
Audition time 1:08PM
Warm up time 11:00AM

Now, all I got to do is sing.
No more practicing.
Time to hum that pretty little tune.
Time to appreciate who I am.
Time to pamper myself for all the hard work I've put in.

Just go in there and LOVE my time singing.

Frau Evelina

It's been a love and hate relationship between me and my perfectionist, Frau Evelina.
That's what I've decided to name her. A Russian raised in Germany. She has pointy glasses, very tall and slender. Her black hair is always tightly pulled back into a bun. She loves black tight fitting designer dresses and always has red lipstick on her tightly pursed lips. She has perfectly manicured nails and wears extremely high and uncomfortable RED stilettos (you can hear her coming from miles away in those heels).
She doesn't talk much, but she's always there. She constantly gives me the evil glare making sure I'm living within her rules. When I take a stumble, she does not give a hand. Instead, she towers herself over me with her arms wrapped together around her body. Then, she'll either smirk or tap her heels impatiently as I struggle to get back up.
I have an extreme craving for her approval. Like a good little girl, I go to her and ask "Is that correct? Does that please you?" I just really want her to like me...Not because she's really cool, but because she is just so damn mean to me.
And yet, after everything I have done--the fun that I've cut myself off, the blood that I've bled, the tears I have shed, the bruises, the wounds, the lies...she never once has and never will approve of me. I will never measure up to her standards.

"WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING YOU IN MY LIFE?"

She stands there and stares at me. Not a word. Just that look.

I'm getting better at ignoring her. When I do acknowledge her, I become utterly miserable. Most the time, I start talking to myself because she's so non-responsive to my need for her input. Usually, that's when you know Evelyn's having a rough day.

Now that I've said all of this, a surge of relief trickles over me. She's still there...standing with her arms crossed, in those disgusting high heels. She can stand in her corner all she wants (I know she will).

Without needing a word with her, I'm moving on with my day.

Sowiee...

When you work in a restaurant, you often find yourself in the midst of very ugly situations between the employees and customers. Those are the moments when the employee must learn how to keep his/her composure and solve the problem as speedily as possible. The only way to do so successfully is by divorcing one's self from the emotions and stress, and be EXTREMELY decisive. As my teacher Audrey's said once, this is all in part of the development of the "fuck-it" layer of skin towards the ugly parts in life.

Yesterday, life thought that it was a good day to enforce my "fuck-it" layer of skin.

And, instead of remembering what I've learned through my previous experiences, I repeated my mistakes and was once again eaten alive by perfectionism. I was too concerned, too obsessed by my performance and image at work. There was a problem, and I did not fix it. By the time I realize what I had to do, I've already missed my chance.
And "missing the chance" resulted in an unpleasant session of bickering between the customer, the server, the manager and me.
All I could say at that point was sorry. I should have done all of the above, but got caught up in the the stress of that moment. So I am very sorry.

Sorry, Jim. Sorry, Del. Sorry, Matt. Sorry, me...

Once again, life reveals more lessons to learn. The stupidest but most fortunate part of all this is...it's only a restaurant job. It's stupid that I cannot even handle the situation as a restaurant hostess, but boy am I fortunate to learn how to in a place where it doesn't matter.

Moral of the story:
1) Seize the moment when it comes to you
2) Do not be overwhelmed by others' stresses and emotions
3) Trust your rationale. There is a problem, fix it.
4) Recognize your pattern, and then move on.