I am Never Offended by People

Today, I heard the most disingenuous BS ever.

"I don't get offended," she said to me.

 Background:
There once was a friend. One day, the friend decided that we should no longer be friends on facebook. She blocked me completely so not only am I unable to see her profile, I am not allowed to send her a message. She also happens to take lessons from my teacher. Once in a while we'd see each other, she'd throw me the cold shoulder.

As much as the pride in me kept saying "I don't care about her", the real me says "I am hurt."

So one day, I decided that in order to forgive her for hurting me, I had to find out if I was actually the one who needed the forgiveness.

I called her....
         Call ignored.

Left her a message:
Hi, I know it's been awhile. Recently, I've felt a sudden change in how you have been treating me. Instead of sulking about it, I'm calling to see if I have offended you in any way. If I have, I am sorry for what I've done on top of having been so ignorant about it. If I haven't, I would still love to talk to you and be completely open in listening to what you have to say.

She called back and asked what prompted me to call her.
"What made you think that I am offended by you? I am not offended by you.  (And here's when it happened.)
I don't get offended. (hogwash) I am NEVER offended by people.(garbage, rubbish, ultimate bullshit) What made you think that I am offended by you? What did I do to make you feel like that about me? What made you think that I am offended by you?"

Okay, so maybe the conversation didn't go as I have hoped but I did learn a few things.

...Maybe sometimes asking for forgiveness is not really about getting the pardon from someone else. But it is about finding the courage to forgive yourself and pardoning your own imperfections.

 ...And maybe sometimes forgiving is not about pardoning others for how they have wronged you. Instead, it is about showing grace to people that are not able to do that for themselves.


Forgive our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.

Scattered Geese and A Loose Tooth

Now that I'm finish with grad school auditions, I feel..I feel..irritated. Is this it?
I feel like I need to do something. I should feel excited. I should plan for my next plan.

But I feel the complete opposite. I don't feel motivated. I just want to veg. I just want to be a couch potato for the next couple months.

Maybe I'm finally feeling the adrenaline crash.
Maybe I'm disappointed I did not get into the finals for Curtis.
Maybe I'm too nervous to start a new chapter in my life.
Maybe I'm just sick of being judged and having my future determined by strangers.
Maybe I feel bad that my husband has to put his plans on hold for mine.
Maybe I'm thinking how impossible it is for us to afford the training I need.
Maybe I got my vocation all mixed up.
Maybe I should be a housewife and raise a family. I know we'd make cute babies.
Maybe allergy is getting on my nerves.

I tried to make myself better by doing the dishes, making the bed, putting my clothes away, reorganizing my planner.

I feel somewhat better.

But I'm still weary of our future. I have NO idea where to go from here. My geese are scattered. I tried to beat them into a row, I even tried visualizing, but it didn't work. They want to be scattered and I am frustrated at them. *pout*

The memory of being in the dentist as a 7 year-old hits me. I had a tooth that was more than ready to be pulled out. For Gods sake, it was dangling in the front of my mouth for days. If I really wanted it out, I could have just bit into an apple or pushed it out with my tongue. But I was scared--hysterically scared. Mom brought me to Dr. Tan hoping that he could knock that tooth out of me. Unfortunately, I was determined to keep my mouth shut whenever he came close to my mouth. It took an hour. He said all sorts of silly things.
"Imagine biting into a Big Mac" "I bet your mom would get you ice-cream after this for being so brave"
He even said a couple lame jokes to get me laughing. But I made sure I giggled with my mouth shut tight. He would walk away, I would open my mouth wide. When he came back thinking I was ready, I would shut that bad boy up.
I'm not sure how or why I finally yielded. Maybe I was tired of fighting and felt bad seeing how frustrated he became. As he was about to walk away, I reluctantly opened my mouth wide and said "AAAAAHHHH"...
Before I knew it, he said it was over.
There was no pain, no blood. I didn't believe him until he dropped the tooth into the plastic petri dish next to me.

No, I didn't get my ice-cream. Mom felt bad for Dr. Tan and lectured me for being so stubborn. But I remembered going home with the tooth in my hand and a smile on my face. I couldn't help feeling proud, and laughed at myself for having been so scared.

In less than a week, the new tooth grew in. The old tooth was definitely more than ready to go.

Just a Lil Positive Nudge

I am a hard worker. And sometimes I work so hard I forget why I work to begin with.

The auditions are around the corner. And as usual, I have worked myself into a giant mess. Stressed, sick, and negative.

All my positiveness. It fleets from me. Ahhh...here it comes--THE meltdown. The pattern I have worked into myself since I was a little girl.

I was just reading my Bible--a gift from my ex boyfriend in Malaysia just before I left to the US. In it, I found a bookmark which I've forgotten I had. I hid it in my Bible a long time ago because I did not want my parents to find it. (The bookmark had an inscription that read "I Love you")
Besides that point, the bookmark's theme was:
A positive attitude makes a long and difficult journey easy.

What use to be a forgotten Valentine's Day gift has just became a sweet lil' positive nudge to get me through my day.

I have chosen a difficult path. But regret it I shall and will not for it is a path that will get me closer to my dream.

Thanks Doug Doug for your sweet lil' gift.

Live Auditions...

have been granted! From this point on, I must work hard to prepare for my auditions--mentally and financially.

Oh boy! Oh boy!

*BIG smiles*

Calm Down

When I calm down,
I don't just breathe, I smell.
When I calm down,
I don't just see, I observe.
When I calm down,
I don't just hear, I listen.
When I calm down,
I stop fighting, I allow.

Allow God to be God.
Allow the sinner to be the sinner.
Allow anger to be angry.
Allow sadness to be sad.
Allow joy to be joyful.
Allow excitement to be excited.
God, help us all.

What the Hell am I Doing?

Filling up these applications is making me wonder why I am doing what I'm doing.
Why pursue this?
It's such an expensive career without instant gratification.
Why pursue it? How did I get here? Do I have what it takes--the amount of courage and determination to never believe in what is impossible? The strength to pull myself together?

3 down! 2 more to go.

Wish me luck!

Grad School

Kicking myself in the as for not starting my grad school apps sooner!!!
AHHHHHH...


Time to lock myself up and be even more anti social than I have already been this last month.