Singing from the Heart

5 years ago, my dream was to have a career at the Met someday.
4 years ago, my dream was to win a competition.
3 years ago, my dream was to prove that I am good at singing.
2 years ago, my dream was to get into an opera program.
1 year ago, my dream was to be a great artist.

...now, my dream is...what is my dream?
Dreams are silly. They are not real. They are lies you tell yourself to create hope that permits you to do what you are doing.

I am running out of dreams. Well, I guess I'm just tired of having to recreate dreams.

You can't always do what you set your mind on doing.
You can't always be whoever you want to be.
So what? Does that mean you're a failure?

Surprisingly, I am not feeling like a failure. Lately, I've noticed that what I think I am and what I think I should want is not what it is. They are a manifestation of what the world tells me to be and want.

"I am who I am." Without dreams, I am still who I am. The more I manifest on who I am and listen to what my insides tell me, dreams don't really matter.

Goals are good starting points. The journey however is the destination. So wherever I end up, I am never a failure--even when the world tries to make me look like one. As long as I sing from my heart and follow where it tells me to go, I will never fail.

So yeah, screw you, world for trying to tell me what I should dream and who I should be. I'm tired of having to squeeze into your box. 

It is possible to be in this world while being true to myself. It is possible to find calm within the storm. It is possible to be real and not hated. It is possible to dislike and still love. It is possible to feel shitty towards someone or something you respect and love so much. It is possible to be beautiful and imperfect at the same time. It is also possible to be ugly and perfect at the same time. It is possible that everything I'm saying right now is complete bullshit.

So why do I need dreams if the possibilities are endless? 

Dreams are silly. I'm just going to sing from my heart instead.

On that note, I should update my profile.

I Would Do It All Over Again

As we pack for our big move to Boston, I have been rediscovering a lot of things that we have accumulated in our four years of being together.

Sweet memories.
The notes we have written to each other.
The pictures from our wedding.
His NOLS gear.
His wedding tux.
My wedding dresses.
The wedding ring case.
The dresser and the night stand from IKEA.
The plants.
The fish.
The 25th ring hanging off the ceiling. 

This apartment will always have a special place in my heart. Our first home together.
Knowing that everything we have has a special memory makes purging extremely difficult.

But if purging means that I get to accumulate memories with you all over again,

I would in a heart beat.

Hear my Prayer

O Lord,
Listen to my cry for help;
Be not deaf to my weeping.
For I dwell with you as a stranger,
as all my fathers were.
Look away from me,
That I may rejoice again
before I depart and am no more.

I wish I was the center of the universe. But I am undependable. If the universe was orbiting around me, there would be planets and stars and giant rocks crashing into each other by the minute. There would be no universe if I was the center.

Pride sucks you into doing and thinking foul things.
As I prepare for my recitals, I cry out for help to the Lord. Frau Evelina keeps coming back telling me that things should be perfect--I should be perfect. It's all about me and nothing else.

That's not true. If I did art for myself, I would not be an artist. Gifts are meant to be shared and given away. I am singing because I am called to sing. He gives me a new song to sing each day. What else can I do but to praise Him and find pleasure in singing His new songs?

Apart from You, I have No Good Thing

Alec and I are moving to Boston.
We are very stressed with all the planning. Every part of the planning seems to burden us. We have forgotten. I have forgotten what and why I've decided to move.

Getting into this school took more than just one miracle.
With a couple missed flight and a lost baggage, it took many many prayers to get me to the audition without looking like a complete mess.
During the audition, I didn't quite get myself mentally prepared to sing in front of 8-9 people from the voice faculty. I sang my first aria successfully. But was not at all prepared for my second piece. I gave the faculty 2 completely different performances within 5 minutes.

How is it possible that I still got in to the school? After my audition, I had to wait for an interview with the stage director. Knowing how I flopped my audition, there was no longer a need to impress the school. Why should I? I'm not getting into the school after that kind of audition.

So, I walked into the interview as myself. He asked me why did I choose to sing opera. How did I learn to sing? What sort of stage experiences have I had?

And then he asked, "Do you have any questions for me?" He probably regretted asking me this because as soon as he did, I knew the ball was in my court. In a split second, his student interview became my teachers interview. Why not? I'm not getting into this school. I better learn what it's like being here if I'd ever have the chance to attend your school in the future. Half an hour later, I've learned why he's decided to teach there, what sort of operas he's done, how he runs his classroom, what technique he uses, how he collaborates with the other directors etc...

When this trip was over, I've learned that God can move mountains but did not at all think I was getting in.

In less than a month, we learned that I got in.

How miraculous.

Why wouldn't I go there? What do I have that I did not receive? And if I did receive it, why would I boast as though I did not?  


Lord, you have assign me my portion and my cup. You have made my lot secure.

I am Never Offended by People

Today, I heard the most disingenuous BS ever.

"I don't get offended," she said to me.

 Background:
There once was a friend. One day, the friend decided that we should no longer be friends on facebook. She blocked me completely so not only am I unable to see her profile, I am not allowed to send her a message. She also happens to take lessons from my teacher. Once in a while we'd see each other, she'd throw me the cold shoulder.

As much as the pride in me kept saying "I don't care about her", the real me says "I am hurt."

So one day, I decided that in order to forgive her for hurting me, I had to find out if I was actually the one who needed the forgiveness.

I called her....
         Call ignored.

Left her a message:
Hi, I know it's been awhile. Recently, I've felt a sudden change in how you have been treating me. Instead of sulking about it, I'm calling to see if I have offended you in any way. If I have, I am sorry for what I've done on top of having been so ignorant about it. If I haven't, I would still love to talk to you and be completely open in listening to what you have to say.

She called back and asked what prompted me to call her.
"What made you think that I am offended by you? I am not offended by you.  (And here's when it happened.)
I don't get offended. (hogwash) I am NEVER offended by people.(garbage, rubbish, ultimate bullshit) What made you think that I am offended by you? What did I do to make you feel like that about me? What made you think that I am offended by you?"

Okay, so maybe the conversation didn't go as I have hoped but I did learn a few things.

...Maybe sometimes asking for forgiveness is not really about getting the pardon from someone else. But it is about finding the courage to forgive yourself and pardoning your own imperfections.

 ...And maybe sometimes forgiving is not about pardoning others for how they have wronged you. Instead, it is about showing grace to people that are not able to do that for themselves.


Forgive our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.

Scattered Geese and A Loose Tooth

Now that I'm finish with grad school auditions, I feel..I feel..irritated. Is this it?
I feel like I need to do something. I should feel excited. I should plan for my next plan.

But I feel the complete opposite. I don't feel motivated. I just want to veg. I just want to be a couch potato for the next couple months.

Maybe I'm finally feeling the adrenaline crash.
Maybe I'm disappointed I did not get into the finals for Curtis.
Maybe I'm too nervous to start a new chapter in my life.
Maybe I'm just sick of being judged and having my future determined by strangers.
Maybe I feel bad that my husband has to put his plans on hold for mine.
Maybe I'm thinking how impossible it is for us to afford the training I need.
Maybe I got my vocation all mixed up.
Maybe I should be a housewife and raise a family. I know we'd make cute babies.
Maybe allergy is getting on my nerves.

I tried to make myself better by doing the dishes, making the bed, putting my clothes away, reorganizing my planner.

I feel somewhat better.

But I'm still weary of our future. I have NO idea where to go from here. My geese are scattered. I tried to beat them into a row, I even tried visualizing, but it didn't work. They want to be scattered and I am frustrated at them. *pout*

The memory of being in the dentist as a 7 year-old hits me. I had a tooth that was more than ready to be pulled out. For Gods sake, it was dangling in the front of my mouth for days. If I really wanted it out, I could have just bit into an apple or pushed it out with my tongue. But I was scared--hysterically scared. Mom brought me to Dr. Tan hoping that he could knock that tooth out of me. Unfortunately, I was determined to keep my mouth shut whenever he came close to my mouth. It took an hour. He said all sorts of silly things.
"Imagine biting into a Big Mac" "I bet your mom would get you ice-cream after this for being so brave"
He even said a couple lame jokes to get me laughing. But I made sure I giggled with my mouth shut tight. He would walk away, I would open my mouth wide. When he came back thinking I was ready, I would shut that bad boy up.
I'm not sure how or why I finally yielded. Maybe I was tired of fighting and felt bad seeing how frustrated he became. As he was about to walk away, I reluctantly opened my mouth wide and said "AAAAAHHHH"...
Before I knew it, he said it was over.
There was no pain, no blood. I didn't believe him until he dropped the tooth into the plastic petri dish next to me.

No, I didn't get my ice-cream. Mom felt bad for Dr. Tan and lectured me for being so stubborn. But I remembered going home with the tooth in my hand and a smile on my face. I couldn't help feeling proud, and laughed at myself for having been so scared.

In less than a week, the new tooth grew in. The old tooth was definitely more than ready to go.

Just a Lil Positive Nudge

I am a hard worker. And sometimes I work so hard I forget why I work to begin with.

The auditions are around the corner. And as usual, I have worked myself into a giant mess. Stressed, sick, and negative.

All my positiveness. It fleets from me. Ahhh...here it comes--THE meltdown. The pattern I have worked into myself since I was a little girl.

I was just reading my Bible--a gift from my ex boyfriend in Malaysia just before I left to the US. In it, I found a bookmark which I've forgotten I had. I hid it in my Bible a long time ago because I did not want my parents to find it. (The bookmark had an inscription that read "I Love you")
Besides that point, the bookmark's theme was:
A positive attitude makes a long and difficult journey easy.

What use to be a forgotten Valentine's Day gift has just became a sweet lil' positive nudge to get me through my day.

I have chosen a difficult path. But regret it I shall and will not for it is a path that will get me closer to my dream.

Thanks Doug Doug for your sweet lil' gift.

Live Auditions...

have been granted! From this point on, I must work hard to prepare for my auditions--mentally and financially.

Oh boy! Oh boy!

*BIG smiles*