Odd Vibe

I've been feeling a little off tonight.
So, I decided to serenade myself to this beautiful duet from Pearl Fishers.
Opera is a very very beautiful creation.
It's odd, weird, comical, serious, sad, happy, lustful, passionate, silly...basically a form of art that best describes all parts humanity.

Gorgeous...just so gorgeous. I've never heard anything more beautiful, more pure, more exquisite than an honest operatic performance.

Thank you Björling and thank you Merrill for sharing a part of you with us.

Now I can sleep tight...(:

My Poison Aria

Piece: Poison Aria by Charles Gounod from Romeo et Juliette
Time span of study: 2 years
Two years=Lotsa work done on this piece
And yet, I still feel like I was missing a very huge "something" about that piece.

As I pondered on this with Audrey,
it came to me...
The best arts I've ever seen in my life
are the ones that give a new spin--the artists' new spin to traditions.

There two things that are involved in the creation of good arts:
1. The art form
2. The artist
In opera's case, it'd be:
1. The music
2. The singer

What I lack (disclaimer: I'm a work in progress. I have a lot of lacks)...
BUT, what I lack is in number 2.
I've spent 2 years studying, observing and perfecting my technique--perfecting the number 1.
It's hard work, and it's so tempting to want to dwell in the hard work I've put in.
But dwelling in your hard work is listening to your ego speaking.
This previous year, I felt stuck in alot of my music--especially in this piece.
Then it dawned on me...
There's a tiny switch that can shine a whole new light to my singing.
And that light is me.
How do I feel about the music?
What does the passages makes me want to do?
How honest can I be?
How real can I be?
Do I believe in what I am singing?
That word "mais" in that chord...
what does it actually mean?
How does the dagger look like?
Where's Tybalt?
Who's Tybalt?
What colors would I use for those phrases?
What spin will I give for this piece that's been done hundreds of times by other singers?

Then, I had a light bulb moment.

Not one person is a carbon copy of another.
Every singer has his/her own voice.
And you always sing on your own voice.
Why?
Because you have your own voice.
You have your own soul.
You have your own personality.
You have your own brain.
You have your own body.

We've heard this many times, but it won't make sense till we have our light bulb moments.

We are not made to be robots and clones.
Sure, opera is an old art form.
It's been done SOOO many times by SOOO many singers in SOOO many years.
There are traditions that singers must know and follow.
But, the great artists never sing like anyone else but themselves.

Be true to yourself. You know who you are and you know how to be yourself.
Stop trying to tell others how to be themselves.
Stop trying to figure things out.
Just start being.

Eager

Eagerly waiting for a reply.
Why have I not been assigned a time yet? Haven't I sent in the application about 2 weeks ago now?
Ah, the life of a working artist! Constantly waiting for a door to open. It's no wonder why so many artists give up.
Artists are stubborn creatures. It takes a lot to see one give up.
But yet there are so many of them--
Most of them in fact are done searching.
It's no wonder.
I wonder, are there really too many of us? Too many for the world?
I have yet done anything for the opera world,
and I'm already struggling.
Oh, but boy do I want it bad??!! I do, I do, I do.
And I dream, I dream, I dream. (:
Stubborn yet impatient.
Stubborn to change, yet impatient for harvest.

It's really not that bad.
The wait is painful because I want to sing real badly.
But life really is not that bad.

I can sing anywhere I want to.
And when I keep my eyes on my dream--
my Source of strength,
Everything becomes easier
Then, my world and I,
we dance in harmony...

Stay strong and have faith.
That's my mantra for today. And maybe for the rest of my life.

Let Go and Let God

If God did not give me the eyes to see what I cannot I see, life would not be worth the trip.
Long ago, I decided to abandon the idea of religion. It just could not exist in the world my heart wished to live in.
Soon after this decision was made,
my spirit suffered, my voice harmed, and my relationships crumbled.
My questions were left hanging.
The answers I was given were always open ended.
Nothing to fall on.
Nothing to live by.
Nothing to believe in.
No purpose to fulfill.
Nothing was worth it.
Why would it be?
If God doesn't exist, why are we all here?
By accident?

I use to think that not having a religious faith would grant me freedom to believe in whatever the hell I wanted thus making me a more powerful/ stronger/ well rounded/ wiser person.
But why and how did my decision back fire?
Not only was I weak, I felt vulnerable and useless, wandering in circles, pointless battles, ridiculous defeats. I was screaming and fighting angrily, but no one listened. "Wise" was probably the last word I would use to describe myself.

Tough times ended..and I felt like I just walked out of hell burnt and wounded.
Through that experience, I've learned that...
Faith is not walking off the cliff blind folded.
Faith requires every ounce of wisdom and knowledge that this world can offer.
Without what's seen, we would not know what's left unseen. And what's left unseen is our choice to see.
Faith is a choice made through God's convictions.
Our human minds think it's impossible to believe in this "God" thing.
And it IS impossible for us, but God's here to give us a hand.
Faith is not jumping over a cliff to get to the other side.
All you need to do is to grab a hold of God's hand.
Faith begins with the smallest bit of acceptance to what God has to offer.
We want freedom and freedom is already here. It has always been and will be here.

Hebrews 11:1-3
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commanded for.
By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.
Hebrews 11:6
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.

Perfection in You

A week ago, Alec and I went to Tettegouche State Park .
Being there took my breath away. How amazing is God's creation?
As I sat on the huge rocks by the shore line looking out to the gigantic Lake Superior, I thought to myself...
How can something this complicated look so simple?
The waves,
the birds in the sky,
the rocks,
the sun and the stars,
the winds and the clouds...
How do they know where to crash?
Where to fly? Where to skip?
When to rise and set? Where to shine?
Where to blow? Where to move?
They look different each day.
But they've stayed the same--
They exist;
And follow where they're lead.
Who do they follow?
Who told them what to do?
Who created them?
And made their existence so intricately important?
Both complicatedly and simply beautiful?

Psalm 104:27-33
When you give it to them,
they gather it up;
When you open your hand,
they are satisfied with good things.
When you hide your face,
they are terrified;
When you take away their breath,
they die and return to dust.
When you send your Spirit,
they are created,
and YOU renew the face of the earth.

May the glory of the Lord endure forever,
May the Lord rejoice in his works--
he who looks at the earth, and it trembles,
who touches the mountains, and they smoke.

I will sing to the Lord all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.


Amen!

Teaching

This was yesterday morning. But I was wayy tooo exhausted to make an entry yesterday.
I've been teaching for a little more than a year now, and am just starting to understand what it means to be a responsible teacher.

Growing up, I've encountered many different types of teachers.
1. The unmotivated monotone ones (there were alot of these)
2. The angry ones with many rattan sticks
3. The lazy "flexible" ones
4. The crazy ones
5. The nervous ones
6. The mood-swingy ones
7. The high blood pressure ones
8. The creepy sexual predator ones
9. and etc....

Despite the numerous teachers I've had in life, there's only been 2 that I can honestly say have taught me well. (Pretty disappointing. But hey, two's better than none!) When I reflect on their impact in my life, I see that they have taught me more than what their subjects have to offer.
They taught me how to survive beyond the classroom or studio environment. They've tried me through mock real world situations in class. They saw my skills and showed me ways to use it without spoon-feeding or abusing my brain to shreds.

Being a good teacher is being imaginative for the students' sakes. It's about creating a safe environment for the students to feel open to learning. Creating a safe environment does not mean spoiling the child. It just means that you make yourself available for the child.

A good teacher must be sensitive to the child's behavior. Attentive to his or her verbal and nonverbal communicators. Listening with a kind and generous but not weak heart.

Being a teacher is about staying true to your own rules. The most affective way of teaching comes through actions. The teacher must stay strong, and must never waver to the child's weaknesses. If you do, you are giving the child an excuse to stay weak. You are not giving him or her the tools to combat their weaknesses. The tools are already in them. And your job is to guide them to those tools. As much as you have faith in your teaching strengths, you must have faith in the student's learning capabilities as well.

If anyone else have any word on teaching, please do share. I am completely open to hear suggestions and other interesting ways of teaching!

My last words on teaching (for now):
We're all constantly learning. We don't ever stop till we leave this place.

A Legacy Fulfilled

One of the world's greatest artists has just passed away this last Sunday (10.10.10)
Yes, all the great opera giants of our past century are slowly leaving us.
My role models. Strangers that have left such a huge impact in me. Their sublime voices have been heard all over the world and will be remembered.

As much as my heart mourns for her death, her life deserves to be celebrated.
Her voice and her existence on earth has given wings to bel canto singing.
She has made it possible, she has set the bar. She's inspired artists of different generations all over the world. If she can do it, I can do it too. Anyone can do it. Learn from the best. To me, Sutherland is one of the best.

She has fulfilled her calling. And now her music shall live on in a young heart. A young heart that's pounding with excitement for the fulfillment of another generation's legacy. It is bound to be fulfilled and it shall be.

Thank you Dame Joan Sutherland for making this path possible.

Anxiety, Begone!

Some of you may know that I am in the process of attaining my green card. Recently, the Homeland Security kindly provided me a work permit. (another step closer to that green card...I can smell it!)
On the side note: Did you know that the green card is no longer green in color?
Ever since I've gotten my work permit, my level of anxiety has increased. My voice teacher once said that "being responsible gives you freedom". It is true the other way around as well.
Having freedom makes you responsible.
When the permit arrived, I was thrilled. I finally get to work and pay off my bills and get more training. Within 5 minutes, I became anxious and worried.
I have worked for hours and hours, probably more than I should have in college. But those student jobs were given to me in a safe environment.
I don't know what it's like to have a job in the real world. Sure I've worked as a music teacher and sang for different churches and in an opera company. But a real world job--unrelated to school or music, no..never.
I can no longer use the "oh, I can't work coz I'm an international student" excuse anymore. I actually have to go out there and find a job now. From now on, I have the freedom and the power to decide for myself...and I am responsible for my own decisions. Nothing is stopping me at this point.
Is it weird that freedom makes me nervous? I thought it was weird. So weird that I've been praying and meditating about it all week.
Today, I read in a very special book known as the Bible that I should
"Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again rejoice...Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Yes, it's just that simple.
Do I believe that I can get a job? Yes.
Do I believe that there's a God who makes all things possible? Yes.
Do I believe in miracles? Yes.
Do I believe that I will be provided everything that I need to fulfill my calling? Yes.

So, the answer to all my questions and requests is simply Yes.

Yes, I believe in an extraordinary life. Anything can happen when you have faith.

Welcome

This is my second trial in keeping up with a blog. Due to personal reasons, I lost interest in following through my first blog.
Now that we're in a new year, I'm starting fresh with my words.

I've decided "Poco un Poco"--"Little by little" would be a good title for this blog. Why? Well, it's the mantra I've been learning to follow lately. Little by little. One step at a time. Easy does it.
It grants me hope, comfort, patience and forgiveness for the future. Many times, I'd just be tempted to shake my finger at myself and say "shame on you" for all sorts of things that I've done and could not do throughout my life: For the time when I had that break down in the hotel the night before the Met audition. The time I've gotten sick with H1N1. The many many times when I could not write college papers. All the times when I've won second place. The time when I could not obey my parents. And the multiple times when I could not hold my temper.

A huge part of my childhood and teenage years have been dedicated to the things that I thought I've failed.
Note: I said "I thought."

Looking back, I know I did not fail one bit. All the experiences that I've lived through have brought me and mold me into who I am today.
We all have weaknesses. We are all made imperfect, but we have been given the will to live a good life.
Looking back helps me become more familiar with who I am. I am beginning to identify why I did what I did and could not do what I did not. They are not failures because they are what I am made of.

Weaknesses are there to help you strive for a better life.
They may bring you down to the "ugh" feeling, but that's not what it's all about. Mercifully, we are given the freedom to choose what we want to do with that feeling.
Continue "ugh=ing" or forgive yourself and move on to a better place than "ugh".
You may not find yourself conquering Mount Everest in a blink of a moving-on decision...but you will be taking another step closer to a better life. Each tiny step deserves an egg-roll party and a toast. And the more you look forward to these little celebrations, the easier your step to the peak will become. The more you focus on what you think are "failures" the more tired you'll become and you'll never live to see your Mount Everest.

And that's what this blog is all about--
Every little steps that I'll be taking to conquer my Mount Everest. I am done piling up crummy dusty moldy old baggage in my life. It's time to see all the great little gifts God has wonderfully placed in my life to help make my journey to Mount Everest as smooth as butta.