I am so tired, so exhausted.
I'm just trying to be right this entire time.
And what do I find in all of this...?
wrongs everywhere...!
Everywhere, I see brokenness in me.
Everywhere I reach, I find emptiness.
It's cost is priceless.
but yet, it demands every bit of me.
A piece of you.
A piece of him.
A piece of her.
Being right is like running yourself into a giant wall,
continuously.
Each time you hit the wall,
you feel the need to explain why you did so.
Sometimes, you even yell at the wall
for being a wall.
Soon enough, you'll realize...
"Right" was painful.
"Right" was sacrificial.
"Right" was stressful.
"Right" was tiresome.
"Right" was distracting.
"Right" was such a big waste of time.
There is no end to being right.
"Right" was so wrong.
I desperately reach out
for the shattered pieces.
Trying to make sense.
Too much noise.
Too many lies..
I can hardly concentrate.
I reached within myself.
Seeking the Truth.
There He is.
Finally, a place of quietness.
Sometimes, the "right" seems as if it is the most "wrong" thing to do.
And your biggest mistake, your biggest regret seemed so right at that time.
Our world is broken.
Truth is the treasure we must all learn to conserve.
We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger.
~Tad Williams
Truth speaks louder than words.
You don't need to explain Truth.
There is no fear in Truth.
Truth is just is.
I seek the Truth.
Mark Twain once said,
I can lie, but I won't.
Now I will say,
I can't lie, so I won't.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Loving the Weather
Update on the man-boy: He has not forgiven me quite yet. In fact, he's decided to ignore me, which is just fine with me.
Despite negative people, there's so much to be grateful for in life. This week, I've decided to go about life differently. My goal was to consciously push aside all that is negative and only welcome all that is positive.
There had been so much to life that I've missed out for being a pessimistic person. I have rejected many opportunities to live life to the fullest because I have feared and worried about the many bad things that could possibly happen to me.
I constantly test everything and everyone that is positive. My husband, my family, my best friends, my mentors, and myself. I test my own instincts. HAH! What kind of fool am I?
Many moments have been wasted because of this.
And now, I am making a conscious decision to change.
I'm making this decision because I want to. I want so badly to enjoy every moment in my life. There's enough horror to life, it is a waste to make it worse than it already is.
Just an hour ago, I looked out my window and spot a homeless man digging through the trash bins down the alley. It made me sad.
I caught myself seeing through the negative lens which I then consciously told myself not to.
When I looked at the homeless man again, he looked happy with the things he found. There were actually a few findings that looked decent. Good for him!
Dear Homeless Man,
I am so glad you are doing something with your life. People may pity you at first look. But really, there's nothing to pity about. As I watched you digging through trash, you were having fun and you seemed to cherish more things in life in comparison to many others. May God bless you in your journey and may you continue to only do and find things that make life fulfilling and worth living for.
Despite negative people, there's so much to be grateful for in life. This week, I've decided to go about life differently. My goal was to consciously push aside all that is negative and only welcome all that is positive.
There had been so much to life that I've missed out for being a pessimistic person. I have rejected many opportunities to live life to the fullest because I have feared and worried about the many bad things that could possibly happen to me.
I constantly test everything and everyone that is positive. My husband, my family, my best friends, my mentors, and myself. I test my own instincts. HAH! What kind of fool am I?
Many moments have been wasted because of this.
And now, I am making a conscious decision to change.
I'm making this decision because I want to. I want so badly to enjoy every moment in my life. There's enough horror to life, it is a waste to make it worse than it already is.
Just an hour ago, I looked out my window and spot a homeless man digging through the trash bins down the alley. It made me sad.
I caught myself seeing through the negative lens which I then consciously told myself not to.
When I looked at the homeless man again, he looked happy with the things he found. There were actually a few findings that looked decent. Good for him!
Dear Homeless Man,
I am so glad you are doing something with your life. People may pity you at first look. But really, there's nothing to pity about. As I watched you digging through trash, you were having fun and you seemed to cherish more things in life in comparison to many others. May God bless you in your journey and may you continue to only do and find things that make life fulfilling and worth living for.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
If You Would Just Stop Bitching
Yesterday, I had a rough start at work. I walked into work at 5:30PM and right away I had to start seating customers.
There were two that came in who really wanted a booth. I looked at the seating chart and said "Yes, looks like we have a booth available." I sat them only to realize that the server for that section was still taking his time eating his dinner.
So I asked another server--"the bitch" if he could serve that booth.
He looked at me and said "NO" to my face.
"Are you serious?"
"Yea, I don't want to take a table that's been sitting there for 10 minutes without a server. They're not gonna tip me!"
"They've only been there for 5, and your section's the closest one to the booth"
"NO!"
Dumb man-boy.
Luckily, we had a sane and mature lady server who was willing to take that booth.
I thanked her and was about to walk out the kitchen.
And then something held me back.
Something called...
the need to call out on an asshole when he's being an asshole.
I walked back into the kitchen and said
"Man-boy, stop being a bitch."
He did not forgive me for the rest of the night. In fact, he insisted in calling himself a bitch and acting like one to me and everyone else who were on my side until he left the restaurant.
Everything that we did last night seemed to be attacking him.
Everything we said, he took it personally as a form of insult.
If you would just stop bitching, the world would probably start working out for you.
If you would stop blaming others for your misfortunes, you'd probably find a partner who'd love and respect you.
If you would just stop whining, you'd probably start doing greater things in life.
If you'd just stop bitching...
But you won't. Until you choose to grow up, man-boy!
Lessons and morals of the story:
1)It is so good to stand up for myself.
2)If you don't mind being a bitch to others, you should not mind when others are being bitches to you.
3)Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
There were two that came in who really wanted a booth. I looked at the seating chart and said "Yes, looks like we have a booth available." I sat them only to realize that the server for that section was still taking his time eating his dinner.
So I asked another server--"the bitch" if he could serve that booth.
He looked at me and said "NO" to my face.
"Are you serious?"
"Yea, I don't want to take a table that's been sitting there for 10 minutes without a server. They're not gonna tip me!"
"They've only been there for 5, and your section's the closest one to the booth"
"NO!"
Dumb man-boy.
Luckily, we had a sane and mature lady server who was willing to take that booth.
I thanked her and was about to walk out the kitchen.
And then something held me back.
Something called...
the need to call out on an asshole when he's being an asshole.
I walked back into the kitchen and said
"Man-boy, stop being a bitch."
He did not forgive me for the rest of the night. In fact, he insisted in calling himself a bitch and acting like one to me and everyone else who were on my side until he left the restaurant.
Everything that we did last night seemed to be attacking him.
Everything we said, he took it personally as a form of insult.
If you would just stop bitching, the world would probably start working out for you.
If you would stop blaming others for your misfortunes, you'd probably find a partner who'd love and respect you.
If you would just stop whining, you'd probably start doing greater things in life.
If you'd just stop bitching...
But you won't. Until you choose to grow up, man-boy!
Lessons and morals of the story:
1)It is so good to stand up for myself.
2)If you don't mind being a bitch to others, you should not mind when others are being bitches to you.
3)Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Thus Begins My Journey to Coloratura-hood
After so many blog entries, you'd think I would have learned my lesson NOT to enter a title before my post. Many posts didn't make it because some did not match the title, and some I lost interest in blogging about.
But that's me--I conclude quickly. Not an ounce of patience. Very stubborn and always convinced that my conclusions are right and true.
This title is and will be what I shall blog about today.
It takes a while to redirect my opinions, and many challenges and arguments to change my mind about a certain many things.
5 years ago, if you were to tell me that I'd be sitting by my piano someday, working through coloratura passages of roles like Zerbinetta, Adele, Juliette, Oscar, etc.. I would have said to you,
"You're shitting me"
I would have also offensively cried out that
"I have a dark voice, and a passion for the dark dramatic lyric soprano rep. I am not some dumb coloratura silly calculative soprano. I can barely reach high A."...
5 years later, here I am...reaching F's above high C. Crouching over my piano...Somewhat very angrily, somewhat happily, somewhat tearfully, somewhat cheerfully, somewhat very fearfully, somewhat very uncertainly working on Zerbinetta's aria, Juliette's Je veux vivre, Adele's Mein herr Marquis, and Oscar's Volta la terre...
Despite all of these drama, I found out that the process isn't half as bad.
I have a huge infatuation for the lyric soprano melodies, but my voice is not happy in it. The voice despised me for titling it "lyric soprano" and rebelled. It became angry and I became angry too. We were just not getting along...
Now, I'm finally listening to what my voice needs. It doesn't want to be ignored. The voice wants to be used to it's fullest capacity. And who knows? I may find more in common with coloratura characters than I think.
Titles change all the time.
I'm not gonna lie about how afraid I am...(I am kinda a wuss to begin with).
But there's a reason why people say
"If the shoe fits, wear it."
Thus begins my walk in my coloratura heels.
But that's me--I conclude quickly. Not an ounce of patience. Very stubborn and always convinced that my conclusions are right and true.
This title is and will be what I shall blog about today.
It takes a while to redirect my opinions, and many challenges and arguments to change my mind about a certain many things.
5 years ago, if you were to tell me that I'd be sitting by my piano someday, working through coloratura passages of roles like Zerbinetta, Adele, Juliette, Oscar, etc.. I would have said to you,
"You're shitting me"
I would have also offensively cried out that
"I have a dark voice, and a passion for the dark dramatic lyric soprano rep. I am not some dumb coloratura silly calculative soprano. I can barely reach high A."...
5 years later, here I am...reaching F's above high C. Crouching over my piano...Somewhat very angrily, somewhat happily, somewhat tearfully, somewhat cheerfully, somewhat very fearfully, somewhat very uncertainly working on Zerbinetta's aria, Juliette's Je veux vivre, Adele's Mein herr Marquis, and Oscar's Volta la terre...
Despite all of these drama, I found out that the process isn't half as bad.
I have a huge infatuation for the lyric soprano melodies, but my voice is not happy in it. The voice despised me for titling it "lyric soprano" and rebelled. It became angry and I became angry too. We were just not getting along...
Now, I'm finally listening to what my voice needs. It doesn't want to be ignored. The voice wants to be used to it's fullest capacity. And who knows? I may find more in common with coloratura characters than I think.
Titles change all the time.
I'm not gonna lie about how afraid I am...(I am kinda a wuss to begin with).
But there's a reason why people say
"If the shoe fits, wear it."
Thus begins my walk in my coloratura heels.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Friends
It's snowing again. Why Minnesota? Why? It's March! It is time for Spring. Let us have some fun in the sun...
But alas, I am and have been in Minnesota for 8 years. Complaining about snow here is like complaining about needing to go to the bathroom after chugging down 6 glasses of water in one sitting.
Despite the snow, I actually had a wonder-filled Sunday. This afternoon, I had the chance to sing with 11 very talented young singers in an opera workshop. And then, I sang in a rehearsal for a benefit concert next Sunday. And then, I went out for dinner with two wonderful sopranos who also happen to be two of my most beloved girl friends.
Dinner turned into a 4 hours conversation. Somewhere in between all of those important and not so important conversation topics, it became clear to me how fortunate I am to have these two good and trustworthy friends. Friends that you can share everything with. Friends that you can count on. Friends that will love you no matter what.
You see, I've always had a hard time cherishing friendships growing up. I've always been a very strong willed, jealous, competitive, sensitive, self conscious, opinionated or judgmental, stubborn and out there personality. And let's not forget to include the artists temperament on top of that whole she-bang. YES, it's been very difficult for me to cultivate and develop a genuine friendship ever since I can remember.
Not till recently, I'd never known how liberating it can be to have a real friend. To completely trust the person on the other side of the line. To laugh, cry, hug, joke and giggle, to protect and be protected, to comfort and be comforted, to show your ugly-ful as well as your beauty-ful side...The phrase "I got you're back" actually means "I will be here to catch you when you fall no matter what."
Then I thought, "Wow, it took 2 decades of my life to finally find a friend."
It really isn't that surprising after all. Life is currently taking a turn.
I am just beginning to let my hair down and learn not to micromanage all parts of my life.
Can it be that I've been micro managing my relationships this entire time?
I have not loved life for what it is.
I have not loved people for who they are.
I have not loved my friends.
I have not loved myself.
So much to learn and a lot more life to live.
I'm just lucky to have friends who have decided to love me way before I did.
Thank you, friends. Yeah, you! Thank you...
But alas, I am and have been in Minnesota for 8 years. Complaining about snow here is like complaining about needing to go to the bathroom after chugging down 6 glasses of water in one sitting.
Despite the snow, I actually had a wonder-filled Sunday. This afternoon, I had the chance to sing with 11 very talented young singers in an opera workshop. And then, I sang in a rehearsal for a benefit concert next Sunday. And then, I went out for dinner with two wonderful sopranos who also happen to be two of my most beloved girl friends.
Dinner turned into a 4 hours conversation. Somewhere in between all of those important and not so important conversation topics, it became clear to me how fortunate I am to have these two good and trustworthy friends. Friends that you can share everything with. Friends that you can count on. Friends that will love you no matter what.
You see, I've always had a hard time cherishing friendships growing up. I've always been a very strong willed, jealous, competitive, sensitive, self conscious, opinionated or judgmental, stubborn and out there personality. And let's not forget to include the artists temperament on top of that whole she-bang. YES, it's been very difficult for me to cultivate and develop a genuine friendship ever since I can remember.
Not till recently, I'd never known how liberating it can be to have a real friend. To completely trust the person on the other side of the line. To laugh, cry, hug, joke and giggle, to protect and be protected, to comfort and be comforted, to show your ugly-ful as well as your beauty-ful side...The phrase "I got you're back" actually means "I will be here to catch you when you fall no matter what."
Then I thought, "Wow, it took 2 decades of my life to finally find a friend."
It really isn't that surprising after all. Life is currently taking a turn.
I am just beginning to let my hair down and learn not to micromanage all parts of my life.
Can it be that I've been micro managing my relationships this entire time?
I have not loved life for what it is.
I have not loved people for who they are.
I have not loved my friends.
I have not loved myself.
So much to learn and a lot more life to live.
I'm just lucky to have friends who have decided to love me way before I did.
Thank you, friends. Yeah, you! Thank you...
Friday, March 4, 2011
Audition Tomorrow
Perfection is...unattainable.
At this point, all I can do is to sing for my own happiness.
Sing because I love music.
Nails are done.
Sang with my heels on.
I have an idea of how I want my hair to be.
I know what outfit I'll be wearing.
Audition time 1:08PM
Warm up time 11:00AM
Now, all I got to do is sing.
No more practicing.
Time to hum that pretty little tune.
Time to appreciate who I am.
Time to pamper myself for all the hard work I've put in.
Just go in there and LOVE my time singing.
At this point, all I can do is to sing for my own happiness.
Sing because I love music.
Nails are done.
Sang with my heels on.
I have an idea of how I want my hair to be.
I know what outfit I'll be wearing.
Audition time 1:08PM
Warm up time 11:00AM
Now, all I got to do is sing.
No more practicing.
Time to hum that pretty little tune.
Time to appreciate who I am.
Time to pamper myself for all the hard work I've put in.
Just go in there and LOVE my time singing.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Frau Evelina
It's been a love and hate relationship between me and my perfectionist, Frau Evelina.
That's what I've decided to name her. A Russian raised in Germany. She has pointy glasses, very tall and slender. Her black hair is always tightly pulled back into a bun. She loves black tight fitting designer dresses and always has red lipstick on her tightly pursed lips. She has perfectly manicured nails and wears extremely high and uncomfortable RED stilettos (you can hear her coming from miles away in those heels).
She doesn't talk much, but she's always there. She constantly gives me the evil glare making sure I'm living within her rules. When I take a stumble, she does not give a hand. Instead, she towers herself over me with her arms wrapped together around her body. Then, she'll either smirk or tap her heels impatiently as I struggle to get back up.
I have an extreme craving for her approval. Like a good little girl, I go to her and ask "Is that correct? Does that please you?" I just really want her to like me...Not because she's really cool, but because she is just so damn mean to me.
And yet, after everything I have done--the fun that I've cut myself off, the blood that I've bled, the tears I have shed, the bruises, the wounds, the lies...she never once has and never will approve of me. I will never measure up to her standards.
"WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING YOU IN MY LIFE?"
She stands there and stares at me. Not a word. Just that look.
I'm getting better at ignoring her. When I do acknowledge her, I become utterly miserable. Most the time, I start talking to myself because she's so non-responsive to my need for her input. Usually, that's when you know Evelyn's having a rough day.
Now that I've said all of this, a surge of relief trickles over me. She's still there...standing with her arms crossed, in those disgusting high heels. She can stand in her corner all she wants (I know she will).
Without needing a word with her, I'm moving on with my day.
That's what I've decided to name her. A Russian raised in Germany. She has pointy glasses, very tall and slender. Her black hair is always tightly pulled back into a bun. She loves black tight fitting designer dresses and always has red lipstick on her tightly pursed lips. She has perfectly manicured nails and wears extremely high and uncomfortable RED stilettos (you can hear her coming from miles away in those heels).
She doesn't talk much, but she's always there. She constantly gives me the evil glare making sure I'm living within her rules. When I take a stumble, she does not give a hand. Instead, she towers herself over me with her arms wrapped together around her body. Then, she'll either smirk or tap her heels impatiently as I struggle to get back up.
I have an extreme craving for her approval. Like a good little girl, I go to her and ask "Is that correct? Does that please you?" I just really want her to like me...Not because she's really cool, but because she is just so damn mean to me.
And yet, after everything I have done--the fun that I've cut myself off, the blood that I've bled, the tears I have shed, the bruises, the wounds, the lies...she never once has and never will approve of me. I will never measure up to her standards.
"WHAT'S THE POINT OF HAVING YOU IN MY LIFE?"
She stands there and stares at me. Not a word. Just that look.
I'm getting better at ignoring her. When I do acknowledge her, I become utterly miserable. Most the time, I start talking to myself because she's so non-responsive to my need for her input. Usually, that's when you know Evelyn's having a rough day.
Now that I've said all of this, a surge of relief trickles over me. She's still there...standing with her arms crossed, in those disgusting high heels. She can stand in her corner all she wants (I know she will).
Without needing a word with her, I'm moving on with my day.
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