Mood: Suspiciously Lonely

It is a dark day out. According to weather.com we will be having a not so cheery New Year weather this weekend. Today cloudy and rainy. Tomorrow wintry mix to snow. Jan 1st, few snow showers.
A cloudy wet weather calls for a delicious hot cup of coffee and a moment of silent reflection.
I've been dreading this cheesy moment all week, but I suppose it is time to ponder on the year before I bid my goodbyes to 2010.
2010, no doubt was it a trivial year! I had no expectation whatsoever for this year and the year presented me with bountiful gifts in return. Here's my month to month summary:

January: Singing with MinOp, auditioning, constantly being rejected/ losing competitions, quit teaching through Along Came Music, worrying about the year 2010 and beyond, the singer in me was beginning to burn out.

February: Beginning to worry more about grad school

March: Worried ALOT about grad school. Unable to admit that I enjoy anything that had to do with singing.

April: Was glad to sing my final performance with MinOp, La Boheme. Became good friends with a wonderful soprano, Janalyn Bump. Wasted hundreds of dollars on applications for grad schools I was never interested in. At this point, I was sure I had to fly back to Malaysia temporarily.

May: Glad to be done with all of my singing gigs, competitions, auditions, and that stupid Along Came Music teaching company. Alec and I had our annual camping trip. This year, we headed towards the Porcupine Mountains in Michigan, where he surprised me with an engagement ring disguised as a granola bar that never did exist. I said yes...and from that moment on, my life has never been the same. Yes, I'll admit, this is cheesy. But I myself never knew that marriage could be so fun, fresh, adventurous, scandalous, passionate...everything but boring and safe. You see, growing up I had a misconception of what marriage should and shouldn't be. At some point in my teenage years, I was so opposed to marriage that I vowed to never be married for the rest of my life. And boy was I wrong about that.

Anyhow back to the month of May: As soon as I said yes, we began planning for our wedding.

June: More wedding planning and found out that Pa and Ma couldn't make it to our Civil Ceremony. Audrey's Summer 2010 Opera Workshop started, and it was the best I've ever felt about singing in the last couple years.

July: We had our civil ceremony on July 2nd, which made us the first couple to be married among our friends. It was an intimate, sweet and preciously small outdoor ceremony.

August: Began working on my green card applications.

September: We sent our applications and waited for the results. It was the longest 3 weeks ever.

October: Got my Work permit and began looking for a "real world" job. My instinct was to get a job at a coffee shop. I figured it would be easy since I've had so much experience as a barista. But I was wrong. With no word from any coffee shops I've applied to, I began searching for restaurants. I randomly walked in and asked for a job at a Thai restaurant a couple blocks away from our apartment. They weren't positive if they had any job openings, but they asked me to fill up an application anyways. A week later, I got a call back from them.

November: It was a good month. I became a hostess at Roat Osha, the “random” Thai restaurant and learned another handful of life lessons there. The number of students in my studio doubled it's size and I was finally able to pay for more voice lessons. I sang at the Met competition and grew from that experience as well. Also, did I mention about the green card approval?

December: Steady month. Keeping the inertia and enjoying the freedom of being in my 20s. Christmas came and spent a lot of time with my sister Catherine. Finally brought myself to T4C this past week. Healing the wounds that I've done to myself over the last couple years.

Oh great, the power's out in our apartment! I reckoned today's going to be a day of solitude. How suspiciously perfect...

Strange Familiar Faces

Have you ever woke up to a dream so weird, it lingers in your mind for the rest of your morning?
Two nights ago, I had a vivid dream about zombies attack. It's not often I dream about monsters, zombies, possessed cars, dinosaurs...etc. but it is not surprising when I do.
Last night, I had another vivid dream. I was in the midst of a huge gathering of people I've known from all parts of my life. It was weird to see all of them together since they are so very different from each other. We were having very weird conversations with each other--conversations that had no relation to one another. It was a very disjointed gathering of people I know from different parts of my life.
Dreams. It's funny when they reveal things that seem like they're reality. I don't mind dreaming about zombies or sharks attacking, but it leaves a deep imprint in my mind when Elly, Douglas, Stephanie...Faces from my past show up among the faces I am now familiar to.

And then, it'll linger. With my curiosity aroused, I will begin asking "what if" questions all morning. Sometime during the day, I will be relieved by the fact that it WAS "just a dream" and my mind can finally return to my reality.

Here we go...

The Voice

I can't even begin to describe how singing makes me feel.
Every time the voice vibrates, I feel.
Every kind of emotion there is, I feel.
Like a small of drop of water,
it ripples my soul.

When Music rings in my ear, I feel.
The surge of emotions that I cannot hold back.
It's a wonderful thing to feel so much.
I use to get frustrated by it.
It use to be a curse,
But now I see and understand
knowing these emotions is a blessing in disguise.

I feel so much.
Every vibration around me affects me.
To know that there is a vibration in me,
makes the voice even more miraculous than it already is.

When I sing,
Not only am I surrounded by vibration,
I become one with the vibration.
I am the vibration.

We all love you

"We all love you."

"I know..." (lies)

Alright, why did that "love" statement made me feel so awkward?
At times like this, it's hard to remember that there is so much love around me.

This week, I feel like a complete failure. Being the overachiever perfectionist that I am, I cannot bear the fact that I have not achieved anything in my singing ever since I've graduated from college.

With lips pursed, I ran through my list of self-help mantras.
"Easy does it." (uh-huh...)
"You know what you're doing." (No..not really)
"You're a wonderful singer." (hmmm...ok)
"You're doing all the right things." (Yea, not really workin')

Uff...currently, life feels tough. I knew singing great takes an awful lot of years of training. But going through those years with no sort of positive reinforcement depresses me.

In the Asian culture, typically for the Chinese, we strive for reinforcements to assure us of our "right-ness". (Oh, I can already hear Audrey yapping at me)
When you do it right, you get money, prizes, parties, praises, etc..
When you don't get money, prizes, parties or praises, I can almost guarantee, you've done something wrong.

So, alright, I may have done somethings...many things wrong. And I'm currently working my cute lil tush off to fix my mistakes. But really, some weeks are just a drag.
Every action I make frustrates me. Why can't I just do it right already, damnit!?

And to hear,
"We all love you, Evelyn." "You're taking all the right steps."
...it's just a lil' difficult to believe.

Along with the many years of training, great singing requires an awful lot of vulnerability. Learning to put aside your pride, and having the quality of persistence.

Being able to say,
"Yea, I may have no prize to show. But I have a talent that grows."

Now, nurturing your talents is the true challenge--not the competitions, not the jobs, not the roles. It's about letting your talents grow continuously and persistently.

Reaching the end line does not makes me a winner. What makes me a winner depends on how I get there.

Struggling for a Decision

Today I feel like I'm on both sides of a see-saw.
A never ending back and forth. Up and down.

Decide already, Evelyn!
=) When I struggle, I know I'm going through another growth spurt.
Despite the discomfort, growing up is actually fun!

I'm just beginning to see how passive I am about so many decisions I make.
I would just like to see myself being more aggressive and confident. After all, that is who I am.

I despise passive aggression. It raises the hair at the back of my neck. It frustrates me. And the worst of it is when I see myself being that way.

So, I'm gonna stop blogging about how much I wish to be decisive and confident. And actually get something done.

Back to singing an old friend.

"Liebst du um Schonheit"

Look it up. It's quite good.

On the Contrary

It's amazing the comfort you'll find in a cup of hot beverage on a cold winter day.
It takes away the struggle and the chill in your body.
Everything silences in that one sip.
Jasmine tea, one of my favorites.
It makes me feel like I'm sipping on a cup of flowers.
Just simply exquisite.

I may be a little crazy.
Giving this much credit to this simple cup of tea.
But it truly is a gift.
The thoughts that are crammed in my head
the noises, they can all wait
As of this moment,
I am simply enjoying my cup of hot jasmine tea.