Now that I'm finish with grad school auditions, I feel..I feel..irritated. Is this it?
I feel like I need to do something. I should feel excited. I should plan for my next plan.
But I feel the complete opposite. I don't feel motivated. I just want to veg. I just want to be a couch potato for the next couple months.
Maybe I'm finally feeling the adrenaline crash.
Maybe I'm disappointed I did not get into the finals for Curtis.
Maybe I'm too nervous to start a new chapter in my life.
Maybe I'm just sick of being judged and having my future determined by strangers.
Maybe I feel bad that my husband has to put his plans on hold for mine.
Maybe I'm thinking how impossible it is for us to afford the training I need.
Maybe I got my vocation all mixed up.
Maybe I should be a housewife and raise a family. I know we'd make cute babies.
Maybe allergy is getting on my nerves.
I tried to make myself better by doing the dishes, making the bed, putting my clothes away, reorganizing my planner.
I feel somewhat better.
But I'm still weary of our future. I have NO idea where to go from here. My geese are scattered. I tried to beat them into a row, I even tried visualizing, but it didn't work. They want to be scattered and I am frustrated at them. *pout*
The memory of being in the dentist as a 7 year-old hits me. I had a tooth that was more than ready to be pulled out. For Gods sake, it was dangling in the front of my mouth for days. If I really wanted it out, I could have just bit into an apple or pushed it out with my tongue. But I was scared--hysterically scared. Mom brought me to Dr. Tan hoping that he could knock that tooth out of me. Unfortunately, I was determined to keep my mouth shut whenever he came close to my mouth. It took an hour. He said all sorts of silly things.
"Imagine biting into a Big Mac" "I bet your mom would get you ice-cream after this for being so brave"
He even said a couple lame jokes to get me laughing. But I made sure I giggled with my mouth shut tight. He would walk away, I would open my mouth wide. When he came back thinking I was ready, I would shut that bad boy up.
I'm not sure how or why I finally yielded. Maybe I was tired of fighting and felt bad seeing how frustrated he became. As he was about to walk away, I reluctantly opened my mouth wide and said "AAAAAHHHH"...
Before I knew it, he said it was over.
There was no pain, no blood. I didn't believe him until he dropped the tooth into the plastic petri dish next to me.
No, I didn't get my ice-cream. Mom felt bad for Dr. Tan and lectured me for being so stubborn. But I remembered going home with the tooth in my hand and a smile on my face. I couldn't help feeling proud, and laughed at myself for having been so scared.
In less than a week, the new tooth grew in. The old tooth was definitely more than ready to go.
